How to shop a couple's wedding registry well

The invitation is on the fridge, the registry link is open, and you are looking at a page of bedding sets and kitchen gadgets wondering which one says "we are happy for you" and which one says "we picked at random". Shopping a registry well has less to do with taste than with a few rules of thumb.

Why registries exist

A couple puts hours into that list before they create a wedding registry. They have measured the kitchen, argued about the colour of the bath towels and agreed on a pan brand. Buying from the list means the gift gets used, and it avoids the two salad spinners that go quietly back to the shop in August. It can feel less personal than choosing something yourself. Trust the list anyway; it is the most personal information you will ever get about what someone wants.

How much to spend

Your relationship with the couple sets the budget. Guilt does not get a vote. Rough ranges:

• Close family: €100 to €300, sometimes more
• Good friends: €50 to €150
• Colleagues and distant relatives: €25 to €75
• A plus-one: match what your partner is giving

A decent registry spans a range of prices. If the thing you would like to give costs more than you planned, contribute to it together with other guests, or pick two or three smaller items that belong together, like the salad bowl and the servers that go with it.

Shopping the list well

Read the whole registry before you buy anything. It tells you a lot about the couple's style and where their money is going. Shop early if you can, when the choice is widest. Close to the wedding, look for the smaller practical things other guests passed over: a good peeler, a set of tea towels, a serving dish. They look dull on the list and get used every week for twenty years.

Reserve the item on the registry once you have decided. Nobody else can buy it then, and the couple does not see who reserved what, so the surprise holds until the box arrives. Some registries also list a quantity, so if a couple asked for eight place settings and four are taken, you can still add two.

When going off-registry is fine

Going off-list makes sense if you know the couple well enough to be sure of their taste, or if you want to give an experience: a dinner at the restaurant where they got engaged, a cookery course for two. If you do, stay close to the style of what they registered, or put money towards the honeymoon. A better version of an everyday item they listed, the Wüsthof knife where they asked for the supermarket one, is also a good move.

Skip anything decorative unless you are certain. Skip anything that needs looking after and was not asked for; the couple did not register for a bonsai for a reason. And skip anything that clashes with what is already on the list.

When to send the gift

There is no need to hand over a wrapped box at the reception. Most couples would far sooner have the gift arrive at home than carry a toaster out of a marquee at midnight. Within three months of the wedding is a good target; the old rule of a year is technically still true and slightly rude in practice. If the registry ships the item, time it for when the couple is home and no longer on honeymoon, unless a neighbour is collecting parcels.

For a wedding abroad, send the gift to the couple's home address. Nobody wants to fly a Le Creuset back from Tuscany.

If your own wedding, birthday or housewarming is coming up, you can create a wishlist in a few minutes and spare your guests the same afternoon of guessing.