Make a Valentine's wishlist in January and skip the guessing

Six weeks into a relationship, you have no idea what the other person wants for Valentine's. Six years in, you have already given them everything you could think of and are running out of scarf shops. A short wishlist fixes both situations, and it does not turn the 14th into a transaction.

A list leaves plenty of room for surprise

Your partner still chooses which item, how it is wrapped, and whether it arrives at breakfast or after dinner. You get something you actually wanted. They get to watch you open it and mean the thank-you. That is a better deal for everyone than a bottle of perfume you wear once to be polite.

It also takes the mind-reading out of it. Instead of wandering round a department store hoping for a sign, your partner picks from four or five things they already know will land. In a new relationship, where you are both still learning each other's taste, that is a relief for both of you.

What to put on it

Give your partner a range to work with, both in price and in kind. A list that works usually has something like:

• Small treats you never buy yourself. A box of Neuhaus pralines, a Diptyque candle, decent bath oil.
• Something to do together. Tickets for a gig in March, a Thai cooking class, a night in a cabin in the Ardennes.
• A book, record or film you keep mentioning and never get round to.
• Jewellery, with the metal, the size and a link. "Earrings" is a gamble. "These gold hoops, 20 mm" is a gift.
• A subscription. Six months of a book box, a year of Spotify, a monthly coffee delivery.
• Kit for a hobby you share. New bouldering shoes, a second set of walkie-talkies for the boat.

Add sizes, colours and brands wherever they matter. Being specific does not kill the romance. Getting the wrong ring size does.

Have it ready two or three weeks before the 14th

Start in January. It gives your partner time to compare prices, order without paying for express delivery, and beat the people who buy the same candle the weekend before. Popular items do run out in the second week of February. A list built in late January beats one thrown together on the 12th.

You do not have to write it in one sitting. Add things as they occur to you: the cookbook you saw at a friend's house, the boots you tried on and put back.

Make lists together, on the same evening

The version of this that works best is when you both make one. Open a bottle of wine, order in, and spend half an hour on it side by side. Set a rule if it helps: only small things, or only things you can do together.

This is also the fix for couples who feel differently about surprises. One of you wants no clues at all, the other wants a say. With two lists, the surprise-lover picks freely from a long list, and the planner gets a short one with clear instructions. Both of you get the evening you wanted.

It does not have to be a traditional gift

Put the practical things on the list too. A good frying pan, the paint for the bedroom, a contribution towards the summer trip you are saving for. On Happy Giftlist you can ask for a contribution instead of a product, which suits couples who would rather have the holiday than the chocolates. A gift that shows your partner has been paying attention to your actual life usually lands harder than a heart-shaped box.

Add a couple of things that cost nothing but time. A picnic once it stops raining, a promise to finally book the restaurant you have both been talking about since October. Those are the ones you will still remember in July.

Set aside twenty minutes this week to create a wishlist and send the link to your partner. Then ask for theirs, and February gets a lot easier for both of you.