A Mother's Day wishlist she will actually use

Mother's Day is on 10 May. Ask most mothers what they want and the answer is "nothing, really", and then in June she mentions the garden kneeler she saw at the garden centre in March. Every year the same. A wishlist ends that game, and it gives the children something to work from instead of another bunch of tulips and a box of pralines.

Why a list works better for mothers than for anyone else

Mothers are the hardest people to buy for because they have spent thirty years saying they need nothing. A list stops three children buying the same scented candle. It gets the size and the colour right. And it shows her that someone noticed what she has been into lately, which for most mothers is the actual present. The giver stops guessing, and she stops pretending to be surprised by a bath set.

What goes on it

Spa vouchers and earrings are fine, but the better list looks at her week. A reading pillow for the sofa, the cookbook from the chef she watches on Sunday evenings, a year of the magazine she buys at the station and never subscribes to. The things she mentions in passing and never buys herself are the best leads; write them down when you hear them. A watercolour class on Saturday mornings or a voucher for the swimming pool counts as much as anything in a box.

Spread the prices so everyone can join in

Mix the budgets, or you get five people buying the same 20 hand cream. A few small things cover the low end: good chocolate, a nice notebook, the hand cream. Books, a vase, a decent frying pan sit in the middle. For the big item, the Thermomix she has mentioned twice, a new phone, a weekend by the sea, the siblings put money in together, and that is usually the gift she talks about afterwards.

Leave room for the practical. A kettle that has been dripping since Christmas, or a replacement for whatever she has been making do with, gets used every day. A good list ends up with one thing to spoil her, one for a hobby, one useful and one to do.

Get the rest of the family on the same list

Once the list exists, share it, so everyone sees what has already been reserved. The same coordination problem you solve when you organise a Secret Santa at Christmas turns up at Mother's Day, only with fewer people and more candles. It matters most in big families and for the brother who lives abroad and wants to buy something without a round of phone calls.

Keep one or two things off the list if you want a surprise on the day. The list makes the shopping easier; it does not have to script the whole morning.

The list is half the gift

Where you can, pair the gift with time. Cook from the new cookbook together on the Sunday, or sit down with the tea she chose and stay for an hour. A list that was clearly put together with some thought, or a good alternative if she finds lists rude, means more than the expensive thing bought at the station on Saturday night.

Start it now, while there are still four weeks left. You can create a wishlist for her in a few minutes and let your brothers and sisters fill in the rest.